Missing Out

The worst part about this undiagnosed illness is missing out on life. I know there are others with worse ailments than me, people who are homebound or stuck in the hospital. But when I still have to work and do schoolwork, it’s frustrating to have all of my energy sapped with what I need to do so that I don’t have time for what I want to do. I spent all of our anniversary trip either laying down or wishing I was laying down. I spent two of husband’s band concerts waiting for it to end so I could go home and lay down, or mentally planning how long it would take to run to the bathroom and what the quickest route would be. I went to a wedding and spent the entire ceremony praying I wouldn’t need to run out during a quiet moment. I’ve missed family get-togethers and hanging out with friends because I’m sick or I just don’t feel up to it. I didn’t even get to go to the baseball game and fireworks with my family on the 4^th of July, but I laid in bed and watched Youtube on my phone instead.

I just feel like I’m missing out on life. The people my age that I work with talk about how they can’t wait to get off work so they can meet up with their friends, and I can’t wait to get off work so I can go home and lay down. I feel like I’m “laying down” my whole life away. I never used to be this person – I always crammed my schedule full of activities, events, and lunches with friends, and now I can’t even drag myself to Target anymore. I’m not writing this post to complain, but rather, just to vent. I feel like I’m 87, not 27, and I feel like I’m missing out on who I used to be. I miss who I used to be. We don’t go to movie theaters, restaurants, or parties because of me. It’s not just my life that’s on hold, it’s my husband’s, too. We left his work party early because of me and we didn’t do as much on our anniversary trip as we did on our honeymoon because of me. I can handle my life being like this but I feel guilty when it affects someone else too.