Things That Change When You Get Married

I tell people that marriage makes problems worse. When you live with someone and know that they have committed to you through thick and thin, it makes things a lot more real and raw. I don't mean this in a bad way at all. If you have problems before marriage, they will probably not get better just because you put a ring on it. If you dislike things about your partner, marriage will not make you magically like those things. And a lot of things change after the I Dos! Here is my (lighthearted) list of what changes after the honeymoon is over...

1. Taking couple selfies every day

I totally admit that I used to take selfies with husband back when he was boyfriend. They weren't even selfies with cool things in the background or in funny poses, just pictures of our faces taking up the entire frame at hockey games, family outings, or just hanging out on the couch. It was part of my way of saying "look how cute we are and how much we hang out!" And I know I'm not the only one guilty of this! But once you get married, people obviously assume you hang out with your spouse. Except for our honeymoon selfies, I've barely taken any compared to how many I took before we got married! I've noticed most married couples really tone down the selfies after they get married also.

2. Cute texts

Pre-marriage, I would text boyfriend "have a good day, I love you and miss you!!" with eight or nine heart emojis at the end. After marriage? "Did you pick up milk?" "What sounds good for dinner?" I actually saw a Buzzfeed video about this very phenomenon. Married-people-texts are 90% informational and 10% romantic.

3. Hand-holding in stores

We still do this, but not nearly as much. When we went grocery shopping before we got married, we would wander the aisles with our fingers intertwined and have cutesy conversations about our favorite cereals. After marriage, it's a divide and conquer situation. "You grab the bread, I'll grab the crackers... and BREAK!"

4. Dating

We still go on dates and we make time for each other, but it's in a very different way. Now, the time I look forward to is laying in bed together before we fall asleep, talking and joking with each other. We don't go out for fancy dinners as much because we aren't trying to impress each other, and because we have a mortgage now ;) dates involve watching Netflix with the cat or chatting while I fold laundry. It's not a bad change, it's just different than before. But as a self-proclaimed homebody, I have absolutely no problems with sitting at home with my better half after a long day at work!

5. SSB

Sex and the City has a whole episode revolving around Secret Single Behavior, or the things that you do when you're single that you would never do in front of someone you're casually dating. In marriage, or at least in our marriage, the SSB is no longer Secret. There is still some mystery to each other, like we don't use the bathroom with the door open. But husband knows way more about my body than I ever thought I would be comfortable sharing even a year ago, thanks to my recent sicknesses. Living with someone who you know won't judge you for various Secret Behaviors really breaks down those walls. With all of the times husband has peeled me off the bathroom floor in the last three months, there's no point in being shy around him anymore!

6. Social media posts

You know those couples that always upload cutesy Tumblr quotes and tag their bf/gf? Or the couples that check themselves and their bf/gf in at every place they go? "BF and GF are at McDonald's! BF and GF are at the gas station!" Living with a person cuts down on the check-in opportunities. Monday: "husband and wife are at home!" Tuesday: "husband and wife are at home!" It's much less exciting. And as I mentioned before, people kiiiinda expect you to be hanging out together.

7. Looking cute

Not to say that you don't want to look cute for your spouse, but when they still love you after a three day bout with the flu or after seeing you first thing in the morning every day for a year, the pressure to look perfect every single day is really lessened. My husband and I hang out together at home with me in sweatpants and him in basketball shorts, and it's much more gratifying than the days where I spent hours trying to look perfect just to go run errands.

8. Tagging along with your spouse

When we were dating, I had serious FOMO (fear of missing out) with regards to boyfriend's life. Every single time he had something going on, I wanted to go too. Now that he comes home to me every night, I'm perfectly fine with missing a work party or dinner when I have something else going on. We have things going on together and separately and it has done wonders for our relationship! Having separate interests means you actually have things to talk about!

Marriage is so, so hard, but also the most fun thing I've ever done in my life.

The Bandiversary!

Okay, this makes it sound like I'm not talking about our wedding anniversary, but I am. Our first anniversary is a mere three months away, and while we went a little overboard on our honeymoon expenses, we are trying to be more frugal this time around. {I want a finished basement!} I've also been nervous to book a trip because of all my fun little health problems - why be miserable in another state when I can be miserable at home? But I found a good deal on a hotel and decided to bite the bullet. 

We're going to Colorado Springs!

It's hard to find someplace within driving distance {for husband, this is less than eight hours} that we haven't been a million times that will also keep us entertained for more than two days. We've been to Dallas, we've been to Oklahoma City, we've been to Kansas City, so we decided to head west for this trip. I fell in love with Breckenridge when my family went in 2001, and I'm hoping I can make a casual detour a few hours out of the way at some point to revisit it. 

I really, really hope this will be a fun trip {like most of our others have been!} and I won't be sick the whole time. I've got a whole Pinterest board of fun activities to do while we are in Colorado Springs and I am so excited!

I briefly worked at a Hilton hotel right after college, and one of the perks of working in a hotel is that you get crazy discounts on all Hilton properties. Consequently, I am officially a Hilton snob. I have only stayed in a Hilton property since my time at the hotel, with three exceptions - one was on our honeymoon, because we opted for a hotel right on the beach {totally worth it}, one was when we got stranded in Charlotte after missing our connecting flight due to a hurricane {and this hotel reminded me why I only frequent Hilton properties}, and one when we took a 15 hour trip to Kansas City so I could interview for the sign language interpreting program there {I was disgusted that this chain hotel was not up to Hilton standards. Husband - boyfriend at the time - was more concerned about the free breakfast while I was at my interview.} To sum up this novella, I am pumped that we got a good deal at a Hilton property and I look forward to all the luxuries that go along with it!

The Call

Ever since I was younger, I've heard stories about God "calling" people to do things. Usually, these are things I would never ever dream of doing - moving halfway around the world to do mission work in a third world country, leaving everything you've ever known in order to pursue a new career path, things like that. Those people who tour the country giving speeches in churches and colleges about their "calling" have always been distant to me. Like watching a TV show where you're involved for the duration of the show, but you know it's not real. That's what God's calling felt like to me. Mostly because I had never felt that calling, and I think that's because God knows I am just not the sort of person who can go outside of my comfort zone.

I've had ambitions and dreams my whole life, but I've never felt that calling that so many people talk about. I've always said I believe everything happens for a reason, and God knows that I am so stubborn, He sometimes has to close every other door in order to get me to go where I'm supposed to go. I can look back on my life so far kind of like How I Met Your Mother: if A hadn't happened, then B wouldn't have happened, and I wouldn't have C. Almost every bad or challenging time in my life has served an obvious purpose for a later time in my life, and I love that I can so clearly see God's faithfulness, even in the little things.

I feel like I'm rambling, but I'm also just trying to get all my thoughts out right now. I've been feeling my own calling for a while, and I'm finally at that point where I'm thinking, "Okay God, if this is what I'm supposed to do, make it happen. There's no way this is happening on my own." It's a hard thing for me to pray, because I am a Doer. If I want it, I go after it, so to feel drawn towards something that has no visible path in sight is a little foreign to me. I've kind of drifted throughout my life, flitting from one hobby to the next, doing whatever I want to do. Want to learn sign language? Okay. Want to get a master's degree? Why not? When I want to do something, I do it, but this is something that is much bigger than I am.

Giving up control is a hard thing, but I have a peace about this. I don't think I have this calling for no reason, and I don't think it's an idea that I put in my own head. I have no other explanation for this other than The Calling. 

Lord, I pray that Your will be done.

6 Months.

We are coming up on the 6 month mark of marriage, which puts us halfway through the toughest year, if you believe all the advice well-meaning people hand out during the weeks leading up to your wedding. Like most people, I went into marriage with some preconceived notions about what would and wouldn’t change, especially since we chose not to live together until after we were married. Here’s some of what I got right, and some of what I got wrong…

Notion #1: Once we get married, I will have the time and motivation to do laundry before we run out of clothes and my husband will come home to a well-balanced, home-cooked meal every evening.

Wrong.

First of all, I rarely cook anymore. When husband doesn’t get home until 8 pm or later, we usually don’t even eat dinner together. Fast food has, unfortunately, become a staple in our lives. And laundry? Husband has asked for more clean shirts or socks more times than I envisioned in my perfect housewife scenario.

Notion #2: While I am looking forward to sharing a house with my husband, I will still need my separate bathroom space.

Correct.

In the apartment, we had separate bathrooms. Once we moved to the house, we are now sharing a bathroom, and it is a hard adjustment. We both have a lot of stuff that takes up a lot of room, and we are constantly moving the other person’s stuff out of the way to make room for our own. I miss having my own bathroom. Maybe it’s a girl thing.

Notion #3: Once we live together, we will see each other a lot more.

Kind of.

Yes, I see him more, but he’s usually sleeping. Or getting ready for work. Or running out the door as I’m coming home. So yes, we technically see each other more, but it’s not exactly quality time.

Notion #4: Being married really won’t change much about our relationship.

Pretty true.

The beauty of being together for 4 ½ years when you get married is that there aren’t that many curveballs when you move in with someone. No big surprises, no major behavior changes. Only difference is that I don’t leave at the end of the night every night! We are good about respecting the other’s space, we don’t fight over the TV or computer, and as long as I label my leftovers, he doesn’t even eat them :) Leftovers, by the way, have a 24 hour rule. I have 24 hours to eat them before they are fair game. Is there anything worse than looking forward to leftovers all day, only to get home and realize someone else already ate them? I think not.

Notion #5: Husband will learn to love the cat once she is living with him.

YEP.

He was not thrilled about my cat coming to live with him. I’ll write a whole post on that another time. But she is a lazy lap cat and he just loves giving her attention as much as she loves receiving it. It’s just presh.

Marriage is definitely a learning process and we are learning!

Five Years.

Today marks five years.

Not that we are still celebrating dating anniversaries now that we're married, but today happened to be the day that we decided to look at Christmas lights, and looking at Christmas lights was our first "date", so it matched up perfectly!

When we first started talking, we were both in college and working, so finding time to hang out was a bit difficult. Husband was working at Best Buy and didn't get off until 9 or 10 most days, which eliminated most traditional date activities like dinner or a movie. And situations being what they were, hanging out at either of our houses also wasn't a possibility. So after texting for a week or two, a first date was planned. We decided that he would pick me up at my apartment, we would grab a snack at Sonic, and drive around looking at Christmas lights.

Let me tell you what, I was nervous. I did that typical girl thing where I tried on practically every outfit in my closet and my bed was covered with my reject pile. Then I spent a good hour straightening my hair. To be honest, I probably changed my outfit a few more times after that. Then once I felt ready and pretty, I realized that I was about two hours too early, so I popped in a movie to pass the time. I spent more time jumping up and running to my window than actually watching the movie!

My knight in shining armor finally picked me up on his white horse... er, blue truck. I was oh-so-subtly positioning my hand where he could grab it if he felt so inclined - and luckily for me, he did :) I still get butterflies thinking about that. I loved getting to know him better as we toured the streets of our city, taking in all the beautiful lights and colors.

I think we looked at Christmas lights four or five times in the next couple of weeks, and I remember being so worried that once Christmas was over and people took their lights down, we wouldn't have an excuse to hang out anymore. Clearly, that wasn't the case! So looking at lights with Christmas tunes playing has kind of become a tradition for us. And I'm pretty sure every year the husband has to make a comment about how disappointed he is that more people didn't put up lights, and every year I remind him that he's disappointed by this annually ;)

Here's a few shots from tonight's activities!

A Frustration

Okay, I know I'm not alone in this situation, but I still want to get it off my chest. 

The next person that asks me if I'm pregnant or assumes I'm pregnant just because I'm not feeling well is gonna get it. 

People have been asking since the day we got back from our honeymoon when we are going to have kids. Really? Maybe once we've been married longer than the length of time you can rent a video...? I get that people mean well. I really do. But I also don't understand why having a ring on your finger means you should start producing little ones. 

I am unfortunately a frequently ill person. If there is anyone within a 500 mile radius who is sick, I will undoubtedly catch it. I've had the stomach flu (or its equivalent) three times just in the last 6 months. It is crappy and annoying but I deal with it. This is nothing new, though. Ever since I got mono 7 years ago, I have been a germ magnet. But conversations have changed. 

Before marriage:

Person: oh, you're sick? Bummer. Think it's the flu?

After marriage:

Person: you're sick? Bet you're pregnant. 

Me: haha, no, just the flu.

Person: I really bet you're pregnant. You're throwing up so you must be pregnant. 

Me: no, I am 100% positive I am not pregnant, just surrounded by sick people. 

Person: you should probably take a test. 

Okay. Enough. I don't know why, in 2014, I am seen as inadequate for not becoming a baby-making machine the day I said I Do. I don't know why I am less of a woman because I am not popping out a kid on our 9 month wedding anniversary. I know some people take that path, and good for them. That is a great decision to make. But it is not for me. 

Inevitably, after the uncomfortable conversation in which I have to repeatedly convince a semi-stranger that I am not with child, comes the "well, when ARE you having kids?!" question, and they never like my answer. Because I always reply, "Not for a long time. Probably years down the road." And then, because that does not satisfy this nosy person, I almost always have to explain further. First of all, I am in school and working full-time. I do not even have time for myself, much less a baby. And as I mentioned before, I am sick about 75% of the time. I do not think that my body can physically take my constant illnesses in addition to the physical changes of pregnancy and then getting very little sleep once the baby comes. Secondly, we just got married. Do you really think we are in a financial place to take on a third family member? Thirdly, my husband is gone for work all the time. The assumption is that because he is a teacher, he is home by 4 every day and has every weekend and summer off. Oh, if only. There are days he comes home at 8:30 and is asleep by 9. We can go weeks on end without actually having dinner together. Being married to a music teacher is not the same as being married to an elementary teacher. In the last month alone, he has had meetings, rehearsals, two school musicals, regional and state football games, district auditions, conferences, lessons, all while getting ready for the Christmas concert. So no, I do not feel equipped to be raising a child basically by myself. I do not fault my husband for being gone so much, but it is the reality of the situation we are in. 

So in conclusion... I am not pregnant. Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I'm positive. No, I'm fine with that. And you know what? It honestly is 100% not anyone's business but mine and my husband's. If I feel the need to share intimate details of our marriage and life goals with anyone, I will do it on my own time. But I will certainly not continue to justify my body and my choices to people who have no business asking. 

How Do You Know?

I've gotten this question (and variations of it) a lot in the last year or so. "When did you know you were going to marry your husband?" "How did you know he was the one?"

Honest answer: I knew the first time we ever had a conversation that there was something special about him. I won't say I knew he was The One, but I knew that my feelings for him were like nothing else I'd ever known. I knew within two weeks that I was going to marry him. Not in an "I'm desperate for a husband and he will work" kind of way, but in a way that felt like I was finally complete. 

The above quote is exactly it. It wasn't a chick flick moment where the heavens opened up and everything was in slow motion. I just knew he was the missing part of me. 

The difficult part is getting from the "nice to meet you" to the "I do". It's hard. Really, really hard. And just when you think you have it figured out, you get married and it becomes so. much. harder. It's hard when the person you know and love more than anyone else is being hard to love - and I'm speaking from both sides of this statement. I'm very hard to love sometimes and I'm thankful every day for my husband's strengths that perfectly match my weaknesses. As much as you may want to change your partner, you won't change who they fundamentally are, and I love that my husband is patient when I am not, that he is careful when I am reckless, and that he is sure when I am faltering. I may want to change his snoring or messy laundry habits, and he may want to change my penchant for filling up the DVR with ABC Family movies, but what makes us work is that I love and respect the things that make him who he is, and he has the same attitude towards me. 

If you want to marry your partner because they are physically attractive or because all your friends are getting married or because you think you've been dating long enough, marriage isn't for you. If you want to get married because you think it'll fix your relationship problems or keep your partner from leaving, marriage REALLY isn't for you. I say this in the most positive way possible - marriage makes your problems worse. Spoiler alert: If you have ever thought "I can't wait to get married so (s)he will stop doing such-and-such", they keep doing such-and-such ever after you're married. Marriage does not change who your partner is, and if you love them enough to commit your life to them, you shouldn't want it to. Marriage isn't magical fairy dust that transforms this person into who you want them to be. If you're marrying them, you know who they are and how they act or react to situations, and putting a ring on it does not change anything in those situations. How they are now is how they will continue to be after the honeymoon wears off. 

Another spoiler alert: When you're mad at your spouse, you don't get to storm off and post on Facebook about what a jerk they are, because you took vows to honor and respect that person. {Nothing is more disrespectful to me than a person who constantly posts statuses or tweets about their partner's shortcomings or mistakes or stupid actions.} You get to sit there and work it out because this is what you promised to do. 

When you're married, you compromise on a lot of things you don't really want to compromise on. When you're first dating and you throw out the puppy dog face to get your way, that's all fine and cute. When you're married, ain't nobody got time for that. On the flip side of that, if your relationship is always about who's "winning", you will not find marriage to be easy. My husband and I don't keep track of who "wins" arguments or compromises because I would rather be wrong and have a peaceful marriage than always be right and live in a tension-filled house. It also means deferring to your partner on issues where you are wrong, and that can be a big blow to perfectionist, type-A personalities like myself. I don't like being wrong or looking to someone else to take the lead, but I've learned that the outcome is infinitely better when my husband handles certain things and I am now glad to let him do so. Marriage isn't for the egotistical. 

It's a lot of trial and error. It's a lot of making mistakes and apologies and learning as we go. And it's incredibly difficult, even when you're married to the most wonderful person alive. {Which I am.} As of tomorrow, we have been married four months, so I am not claiming to be an expert. I'm just sharing a glimpse of what makes us tick. You have to do things you don't want to do and push through things when you know it would be easier to give up. But it's always worth it if you have a relationship that is mutually healthy and respectful. 

My husband makes me the best possible version of me. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. He is the reason I keep going when I just want to quit. I never really understood the phrase "my better half" until I met him. He is my other half, the yin to my yang, but he's a far better person than I am. We've had our bumps in the road, but we are learning how to do marriage one day at a time. 

The Reception {part 2}

So we took a nap and came back for the dinner and dance! We had an absolute blast and I would so gladly relive that day over and over :)

My dad's speech didn't leave a dry eye in the house!

First dance

Father/daughter dance

So many friends came that I hadn't seen in so long!

Nothing attracts the littles like a poofy princess dress.

Love this one of husband dancing with my mom!

The Reception {part 1}

I'm not just saying this because it was my wedding, but our reception was one of the most fun receptions I've ever been to. Good food, fun friends, and lots of dancing! Here are some of my favorite photos - our photographer, wedding coordinator, and I all went to high school together and they got down with the guests on a few songs! So much fun!

{Going to split this into two posts so I don't overload y'all with pics... so these are our pre-nap reception photos. Yep, we took a nap in the groom's room between the cake cutting and dinner!}

I was extremely confused about how to cut the cake.

No one got cake smashed in their face!

Groom's cake - so adorable and perfect!

Part two will be up tomorrow!

The Beach

Guys. Our honeymoon turned me into a total beach bum. If I could spend all day with my toes in the sand and salt on my skin, I totally would. I miss throwing on some flip flops and a tank top over my swimsuit and walking a few steps to the ocean. I've told the husband a million times that we need to retire to Hilton Head Island, so if someone would like to donate one million dollars towards the summer beach house fund, we would appreciate it :)

We took a dolphin tour the first day - sailing around on a boat while watching dolphin frolic in the ocean was an excellent way to kick off our beach week!

Hilton Head Island has beautiful scenery, inland or on the beach!

I love palm trees. Love.

I enjoyed every minute of every meal we had with a water view. 

Taken one evening when we were having a sunset stroll on the beach. Take me back!

I feel like it is necessary for my soul for me to live within walking distance of palm trees and the sound of waves crashing. One day, y'all. 

The Ceremony

Our wedding ceremony was perfect. Not too short, not too long, and filled with love. 

The cast:

The men

Husband's immediate family

The ladies

My immediate family

I am so thankful that both of my grandmothers were able to attend my wedding and I cherish these photos with them.

The ring bearer and flower girl

With every family member who came to the wedding - on both sides!

My favorite ceremony moments:

My husband is not a very outwardly emotional kind of guy. For him to tear up as I was walking down the aisle is the most precious thing to me.

I am a huge cryer, but surprisingly didn't have any tears on the walk down - just a big goofy smile on my face. My dad, on the other hand, was a puddle.

My sweet husband surprised me by playing a song for me during our wedding. The priest invited everyone to be seated for a special music piece and I started to follow Chris over to the piano, not knowing what was going on. He told me to stay where I was, but it wasn't until he sat down behind the piano that I knew what was happening.

And for good measure, a couple of my favorites of us:

We went outside to take group photos and he carried my train for me :)

I'd seen a similar pose on Pinterest and put it at the top of my "to do" wedding photo list! I love how it turned out!

This picture shows how happy (and exhausted!) we were that day. I love the smiles :)

I can't thank my photographer enough for capturing such wonderful moments! I love looking back on these photos and remembering our joyous day.

Wedding Bells

I'm sure anyone who is reading this has already seen our wedding photos on Facebook, but I wanted to share a few with some wedding day commentary. Our wedding was a culmination of 7 months of crafting (mostly on my mom's part), tears (mostly on my part), and planning, planning, planning. Everyone says your wedding day goes by in a blur (true) and that the time leading up to it flies by (also true). I will probably never ever plan another wedding, but I would gladly relive our wedding day over and over :)

I got my husband a small gift the morning of - mints, candy, hairspray, and some other small items. I also stuck in these socks that matched our wedding colors - in case he got cold feet ;)

I also found these cufflinks on Etsy - perfect for my musical husband! 

My maternal grandfather passed away when I was 12, and I was constantly reminded throughout the wedding planning that he wouldn't be at my wedding. My wedding coordinator makes bouquet charms and this was such a special way to have him with me all day.

This photo really conveys how nervous I was that morning! I had a nervous stomach starting about 48 hours before the wedding up until 2 hours before. I cherish the time I had with my mom, sister, bridesmaids, and (almost) in-laws before I walked down the aisle!

As I was getting my makeup done, my great-aunt was texting my mom and sent her a couple of old photos of me. How sweet :)

I will do a few more posts with some of my favorite ceremony and reception photos - and why I love them so much!

Happily Ever After

This girl is a major Disney fan. Like, people I barely know will send me links to Disney videos or stories because word has gotten around about my Disneyness. My room at my parents' is filled with Disney memorabilia and I am going to have to find a tasteful way to display it that husband will actually approve of... that will be a post for another time.

So naturally, one of the most common questions I got asked post-engagement was "are you going to have a Disney wedding?!" The answer... no. A wedding is about both of us and sadly, my better half is not quite the Disney fan I am. Why have a day to symbolize the joining of our lives that's only about my most favorite thing?

So I hit up Etsy and Pinterest to find ways to incorporate cute Disney touches without turning it into a Cinderella wedding. Here are some of my cute finds!

These shoe decals were originally supposed to be my "something blue" because I was planning on having a purple garter to match our wedding colors! Until I found...

My Cinderella slipper garter!

Our program, complete with hidden Mickey! One of my bridesmaids is a graphic designer and designed all of our Save the Dates, invitations, and programs, and I gave her virtually no direction for how I wanted her to place the hidden Mickey. She did a great job!

I was so happy with how these small bits added just a touch of Disney flair to our day without becoming the whole focus of the wedding!