Losing It

I think some people are under the impression that I just want attention. Or that I'm exaggerating my symptoms in order to get pity. Or something. The last time I went to the ER, I think the doctor looked at me and saw an addict looking for pain pills.... Even though I'm not on any sort of pain medication whatsoever and have never asked to be. Why would I want attention like this, though? What is fun about people staring at you as you come out of the bathroom from loudly throwing up? It's not like I go anywhere ever other than work. I don't go to parties and talk about how sick I always feel. I'm not hanging out with people at a bar and trying to tell everyone that I feel horrible all day every day but by golly, I'm going to push through and be an INSPIRATION. No. Do you know what I want? I want to feel like MYSELF again. I feel like a miserable, cranky, horrible shadow of the person I used to be. My patience is wire-thin now and I know I'm not exactly fun to be around. I never go anywhere or do anything that could be considered "fun". I don't even know how to explain it to someone who's never gone through anything like this. I feel trapped in my own body. It feels like no matter what I do, my body is going to turn against me and punish me for daring to eat something or go somewhere.

And I feel so guilty for complaining. I know there are people much worse off than I am. But then, I'm tired of doctors ignoring me. And I'm tired of not being taken seriously. The last ER doctor I saw took one look at me, told me I have a disease they ruled out months ago, and showed me the door. My specialist apparently can't be bothered to listen to me because I'm young and seemingly healthy. How bad do I have to get to be taken seriously in the medical field? Again, WHY would I make this up? I really have better things to do than go from doctor to doctor, paying medical bills out the you-know-what for absolutely no reason. And you know why I really wouldn't make this up? One word: colonoscopy. Yep, that's not something worth going through just to get attention.

I don't know anymore. This is taking its mental toll on me. My memory sucks and I can't think straight half the time. I'm starting to feel like I'm crazy. It feels like the worse I get, the more I push and the further I get from reality. I did a test last week for my gallbladder and I got so sick when they simulated what happens in my gallbladder when I eat. As horrible as I felt, I was also excited that this just HAS to be it! Why would I have a bad reaction if I'm working properly? When the doctor called and said everything was normal and I could come back in three weeks to try to figure out something else, I lost it. I got so angry and so defeated and so depressed all at the same time. How am I normal? Nothing about this is normal! Thankfully, I'm now seeing a doctor who is willing to advocate for me. I go see a surgeon in a week to see if he will take my gallbladder out. I'm having so much anxiety about this appointment because I feel like this is all I have left. If this surgeon says I'm perfectly fine yet again, I honestly think it may break me. I've been told for a year that I'm "fine" when I'm clearly not. I can't mentally or emotionally continue like this. Every single day is so, so hard. I am praying with everything I have that my gallbladder is the problem and this surgeon will remove it. I'm tired of living in fear of everything - of food, of being away from home, of missing out on yet another family event because I'm having an "episode" and I can't leave the bed. I'm desperate. And I'm miserable. And I'm terrified that I won't have relief and I will spend the rest of my life this way.