90 Day Fiancé

I haven’t done weekly recaps of the 90 Day Fiance episodes but I will gladly give my two cents now that the season is over!

Justin and Evelin: Arguably the most boring couple of the season. Sure, the drama with the evil sister-in-law was exciting, but that lasted one whole episode. That chick needs to get a grip on reality. Evelin is a perfectly sweet, lovely girl and evil SIL immediately started hissing “she’s using him for a GREEN CARD!” over and over to anyone within earshot. Okay, I can see how that might be your first reaction to this situation but maybe you should get to know her first before making assumptions. In related news, Justin really pulled a jerk move by a) not mentioning one single word about Evelin to his family, b) refusing to let her meet his family for however long once she got here, and c) pulling the “this is Evelin - oh, and we are getting married in less than three months!” card. How horrible. I’m sure Evelin felt ambushed but the way she tried to reach out to his mom was genuinely touching.

Chelsea and Yamir: the second most boring couple of the season. First of all, I don’t think Yamir is the “Justin Timberlake of Nicaragua” as I can’t find anything substantial about him or Myla Vox online, and at the big dramatic press conference where Yamir’s meddling manager exposed Chelsea as the Yoko Ono of Myla Vox, there were about twelve people there. Shouldn’t the Nicaraguan Justin Timberlake need bodyguards and someone to handle press? Chelsea repeatedly refers to his home country as “NEE-KA-RAWA” and is fine with Yamir moving to another country for her, but will not move four hours away from her hometown for him. That seems fair. She snapped during the reunion special that she “doesn’t want to live in her parents’ basement forever” but has shown no desire whatsoever to get a job. How does she afford her peasant skirts and leather wrap bracelets?? Also, why doesn’t Nicaraguan Justin Timberlake have enough millions saved up for at least an apartment of their own?

Brett and Daya: I was all on board with the Daya Crazy Train in the first episode because of the whole “this ring isn’t real” and “why didn’t you bring me better flowers” thing. She tried too hard with Cassidy and nitpicked Brett to death. But then, Crazy Daya left and Normal Daya emerged. She bonded with Cassidy and put up with the “I know you’re here for a green card” talk from one of Brett’s many elderly lady friends. His roommates were the best part of this storyline by far. That being said, Brett is a creepy, slimy, gross man-child. He wears very shiny chapstick, giggles incessantly, and is attracted to Daya because she comes from a country where divorce is illegal. If Brett’s mom had any brains, she would shun Brett instead of Daya and go get mani-pedis with Daya and Cassidy on the reg.

Jason and Cassia: These two really grew on me. Like a fungus. I couldn’t stand either of them for most of the season, but I think these two weirdoes are pretty well suited for each other. Cassia started off the show with a temper tantrum, threatening Jason that she wouldn’t show up in Rio to meet him, and Jason’s dad spent a good part of the storyline Swiffering in the background. Jason, like many of the Americans this season, didn’t bother to take any time off to help his fiancée get acclimated, and Cassia was pissed that Jason wouldn’t put his phone down long enough to have a meal with her. You mean, buying junk for your lucrative eBay account isn’t supposed to be more important than your cat-eyed, hot mess of a fiancée? And then the whole scene where Jason abandoned Cassia in Vegas to go drink shots with his overgrown man-friends. Not cool, dude. But Cassia won major points with me when she didn’t leave every time he made her cry and she called out his brother on his “joke” about her only wanting a green card. Then Jason won a few points too during the finale when he flat-out asked Mohammed if he even loved Danielle. I think once they spend more time together and learn how to live with each other, they’ll be a good couple.

Danny and Amy: Danny is about as closeted as Russ from last season. Sigh. I like Danny enough but he is so clueless when it comes to women. Specifially, his fiancée. This girl comes from half a world away, the only child of a mother who clearly adores her, and she is beautiful and smart. So why does Danny immediately drop her off at his brother and sister in law’s house? Again, you couldn’t have taken one day off to hang out with this girl before she is stranded in the middle of nowhere with a couple of strangers who ask her to talk “African”? Amy handles this with class, as she does every other uncomfortable situation her gelled future husband puts in front of her. Brother sits between them on probably their only night alone so they aren’t “tempted”? No prob. She thinks she’s having a private, intimate dinner with her fiancé and he invites 30 of his closest friends and family along? Why not? Danny’s dad insults Amy, her hometown, her intelligence, and pretty much her entire race while his mom stares at the floor? Amy takes it all with a smile. On top of that, she plans a gorgeous, Pinterest-worthy wedding and fields a million questions from his nosy siblings who think that because Amy is a virgin, she is also completely ignorant about basic human anatomy and the entire subject of intercourse. I was very impressed with Danny’s father’s behavior at the rehearsal dinner and wedding. As much as he clearly despises anyone with different colored skin, he actually acted like an adult and was quite charming to Amy’s family. I hope Danny realizes what a catch he has because I’m sure Amy’s family would love to have her back in Capetown.

Mohammed and Danielle: Okay. Where do I even begin with this? Do I start with Mohammed attempting to call off their wedding because he would be responsible for Danielle once she’s his wife, according to the Jack Black-esque lawyer he consulted the day of his nuptials? Do I start with his repulsion for showing physical affection towards Danielle, which he blames on his religion while knocking back a few beers? Do I start with how all of America cheered as Danielle’s son called Mohammed out on his obvious disdain for his mother? I don’t even know. She clings onto him like an injured puppy while he stares at anything in the room except her. He threatens to leave multiple times whenever the subject of money comes up, which leads me to believe that while he is scamming her for a green card, she scammed him into marriage by implying she’s much wealthier than she actually is. According to reports I’ve heard, he went to stay with her friend immediately after the wedding and then proceeded to hit on the friend AND her teenage daughter. I knew he was slimy, but that’s a whole new level of slime. He and Danielle both reportedly have active dating profiles on the very website that introduced them and Mohammed repeatedly asks women to “message him privately” instead of commenting on his Facebook page publicly. And he basically said at the reunion that he didn’t love Danielle but came to America because he is adventurous and wanted a change.

I think that the couples who spent time together before the Visa was issued have a really good chance of making it: Chelsea and Yamir, Danny and Amy, Jason and Cassia. Getting married in three months in another country to someone you barely know clearly brings out the worst in these people but I absolutely cannot wait for the “where are they now?” episode in a few months.