Losing It

I think some people are under the impression that I just want attention. Or that I'm exaggerating my symptoms in order to get pity. Or something. The last time I went to the ER, I think the doctor looked at me and saw an addict looking for pain pills.... Even though I'm not on any sort of pain medication whatsoever and have never asked to be. Why would I want attention like this, though? What is fun about people staring at you as you come out of the bathroom from loudly throwing up? It's not like I go anywhere ever other than work. I don't go to parties and talk about how sick I always feel. I'm not hanging out with people at a bar and trying to tell everyone that I feel horrible all day every day but by golly, I'm going to push through and be an INSPIRATION. No. Do you know what I want? I want to feel like MYSELF again. I feel like a miserable, cranky, horrible shadow of the person I used to be. My patience is wire-thin now and I know I'm not exactly fun to be around. I never go anywhere or do anything that could be considered "fun". I don't even know how to explain it to someone who's never gone through anything like this. I feel trapped in my own body. It feels like no matter what I do, my body is going to turn against me and punish me for daring to eat something or go somewhere.

And I feel so guilty for complaining. I know there are people much worse off than I am. But then, I'm tired of doctors ignoring me. And I'm tired of not being taken seriously. The last ER doctor I saw took one look at me, told me I have a disease they ruled out months ago, and showed me the door. My specialist apparently can't be bothered to listen to me because I'm young and seemingly healthy. How bad do I have to get to be taken seriously in the medical field? Again, WHY would I make this up? I really have better things to do than go from doctor to doctor, paying medical bills out the you-know-what for absolutely no reason. And you know why I really wouldn't make this up? One word: colonoscopy. Yep, that's not something worth going through just to get attention.

I don't know anymore. This is taking its mental toll on me. My memory sucks and I can't think straight half the time. I'm starting to feel like I'm crazy. It feels like the worse I get, the more I push and the further I get from reality. I did a test last week for my gallbladder and I got so sick when they simulated what happens in my gallbladder when I eat. As horrible as I felt, I was also excited that this just HAS to be it! Why would I have a bad reaction if I'm working properly? When the doctor called and said everything was normal and I could come back in three weeks to try to figure out something else, I lost it. I got so angry and so defeated and so depressed all at the same time. How am I normal? Nothing about this is normal! Thankfully, I'm now seeing a doctor who is willing to advocate for me. I go see a surgeon in a week to see if he will take my gallbladder out. I'm having so much anxiety about this appointment because I feel like this is all I have left. If this surgeon says I'm perfectly fine yet again, I honestly think it may break me. I've been told for a year that I'm "fine" when I'm clearly not. I can't mentally or emotionally continue like this. Every single day is so, so hard. I am praying with everything I have that my gallbladder is the problem and this surgeon will remove it. I'm tired of living in fear of everything - of food, of being away from home, of missing out on yet another family event because I'm having an "episode" and I can't leave the bed. I'm desperate. And I'm miserable. And I'm terrified that I won't have relief and I will spend the rest of my life this way.

Missing Out

The worst part about this undiagnosed illness is missing out on life. I know there are others with worse ailments than me, people who are homebound or stuck in the hospital. But when I still have to work and do schoolwork, it’s frustrating to have all of my energy sapped with what I need to do so that I don’t have time for what I want to do. I spent all of our anniversary trip either laying down or wishing I was laying down. I spent two of husband’s band concerts waiting for it to end so I could go home and lay down, or mentally planning how long it would take to run to the bathroom and what the quickest route would be. I went to a wedding and spent the entire ceremony praying I wouldn’t need to run out during a quiet moment. I’ve missed family get-togethers and hanging out with friends because I’m sick or I just don’t feel up to it. I didn’t even get to go to the baseball game and fireworks with my family on the 4^th of July, but I laid in bed and watched Youtube on my phone instead.

I just feel like I’m missing out on life. The people my age that I work with talk about how they can’t wait to get off work so they can meet up with their friends, and I can’t wait to get off work so I can go home and lay down. I feel like I’m “laying down” my whole life away. I never used to be this person – I always crammed my schedule full of activities, events, and lunches with friends, and now I can’t even drag myself to Target anymore. I’m not writing this post to complain, but rather, just to vent. I feel like I’m 87, not 27, and I feel like I’m missing out on who I used to be. I miss who I used to be. We don’t go to movie theaters, restaurants, or parties because of me. It’s not just my life that’s on hold, it’s my husband’s, too. We left his work party early because of me and we didn’t do as much on our anniversary trip as we did on our honeymoon because of me. I can handle my life being like this but I feel guilty when it affects someone else too.

Recent Faves

1. Modern Family

Okay, I used to despise this show. I thought it was cliche, over the top, and just not funny at all. Then, out of nowhere, a switch flipped and now I am obsessed with this show. Husband has been watching it from season one with me, and he's not into binge-watching shows like I am, which is the only reason I haven't watched all the seasons in a month.

2. Fudge Brownie Goldfish

A coworker tipped me off to these and I'm obsessed. They're so deliciously chocolatey but with just a bit of salt added to balance the flavor. I just wish the little bag wasn't so expensive!

3. Down the Mountain

This app was in the top charts in the app store, so I downloaded it, and 1016 games later, I can't stop playing. 

4. Dollar Tree Hauls

I stumbled across these sorts of videos after I started making my thrift haul videos, and now I make these too! I was never a big fan of Dollar Tree {okay, I thought it was all cheap crap!} but I have Seen The Light!

5. 1010

Husband calls this the cheating version of Tetris. I call it fun.