Gun Range

{I started writing this post the day after we went, which was a couple of weeks ago, but then life happened and it never got published!}

We had purchased a Groupon a couple of months ago for a basic firearm safety course and finally got around to using it! The course was an all-day thing and we learned all the parts of different kinds of guns and got to practice loading and unloading some. Then we went to the range and unloaded 50 rounds! I had never shot a gun before and husband hasn't shot a gun in years, so it was really fun to learn something together that neither of us had experience with! I feel much safer now knowing more about guns and I've decided that I really enjoy shooting! The class came with a free one year membership to the shooting range and I'm thinking it's something I will be doing a few more times in the next year!

Ipsy Favies

I kept seeing all my friends post about Ipsy on social media and I knew I wanted to try it, but when I went to sign up, it kept asking me to bug my friends with invites to get their own Ipsy bags. I decided it wasn't worth it, so I ignored their requests, and after about four months they just started sending me the bags anyway. Emily 1, Ipsy marketing 0.

So the way Ipsy works, you take a personalized style quiz and they will send you sample sizes of products that match your style, preferences, and skin and hair tones, all for $10 a month. I've fallen in love with quite a few of these products in the last six months, but the bad part about Ipsy is that most of these products are pretty expensive to get from the store. Such struggles I have :) The bags are always really cute, and most of the products I get are things I will use a lot! (The bright purple lip gloss, not so much...) Here are some of my recent Ipsy faves!

Balancedguru Style Me Roots to Ends Hair Oil - $19.99 from balancedguru.com

This little bottle actually has quite a bit in it. I put one or two drops in my palm and work it through my damp hair, and it helps keep the frizzies at bay - not an easy task for my crazy hair!

Urban Decay Lip Gloss in Failbait - $22 at urbandecay.com

If only I used lip gloss enough to justify the price tag! The gloss was really smooth and the color was bold without being too off the wall. Loved it and I was sad when my sample ran out!

Nuxe-Reve de Miel Makeup Removing-Cleansing Gel - $19.00 at target.com

Mmm, yes. I like this stuff. It smells really good and it feels like it's exfoliating as well as removing makeup. I don't like a lot of makeup removers because my skin feels either dry or oily after using them, but this stuff makes my skin feel super clean and nice!

J. Cat Beauty Liptitude Hydrating Lip Stain in Hikilicious - $5.99 at jcatbeauty.com

This was another bold lip color for me, but I was a big fan of how easy it was to apply and how long it lasted. Given the $6 price tag, it might be worth the investment!

Vasanti BrightenUp! Enzymatic Face Rejuvenator - $34.00 at vasanticosmetics.com

These expensive sample sizes really make the $10 monthly price tag worth it for me, honestly. I can usually get 4 or 5 uses out of a sample size (at least), so when I find an expensive product I like, I try to make it last even longer :) This stuff is some good stuff. It makes my skin feel super clean and refreshed. When I use a lot of drugstore face washes, my face really doesn't feel that much cleaner than before, but this face wash really did the trick. It's definitely not a miracle product but it did make my skin look healthier and more glowy!

Dr. Brandt Pores No More Vacuum Cleaner - $45.00 at sephora.com

Okay, the $45.00 price tag is just a little too much for this frugal gal, but this product is hands-down the best product Ipsy has sent me. You apply it like a mask and it turns blue when it's dry, which makes it really easy to wash off. It really does feel like my pores have been sucked completely dry, which sounds gross, but is surprisingly pleasant. I am a little mad at Ipsy for getting me hooked on such an expensive product, not going to lie. I may just bite the bullet and buy it for myself as a present because that's how much I love it.

Picky Eating

You know those little things that make life easier? I think liking certain foods would make my life easier. I didn’t ask to be a picky eater. I’ve tried to like foods that I, as an adult, am supposed to like, and to no avail. Here is a list of foods that would make my life easier if I liked them.

Seafood. I don’t like any sort of seafood, except for the plain fish from Long John Silver’s, which I do not think actually counts. I’ve tried shrimp, lobster, crab, flounder, catfish, trout, bass, and none of it has appealed to me. I feel like this isn’t terribly uncommon amongst the general population but people still look at me like I’ve committed some sort of felony when I say I don’t like fish. Then they inevitably ask if I’ve tried this sort of fish or that sort of fish and I just don’t like any of it!

Breakfast foods. This includes sausage, biscuits and gravy, eggs, waffles, French toast, and any sort of muffin or breakfast sandwich that combines these things. Eating a continental breakfast when we stay in a hotel is always tricky because usually the only foods they offer are a combination of the above-mentioned foods. I do like pancakes in moderation. Usually I only eat one pancake or maybe one and a half chocolate chip pancakes before I get burnt out. I like cereal, but I’m more partial to kid cereals than adult ones. I mean, who would honestly turn down a bowl of Froot Loops for a bowl of Raisin Bran? But usually when I go places for “breakfast,” that means things I don’t like. I’ve tried to like eggs especially and it just isn’t in the cards for me. This is why I am so partial to Village Inn. They have a “build your own breakfast” option and I get hashbrowns and bacon.

Coffee. I like frappacinos, which is really not “coffee,” but it’s the only coffee I can stand. Even though it’s 75% sugar and chocolate and 25% coffee.

Whipped cream. I don’t get whipped cream on my frapps or on my ice cream because I think it is nasty.

Cotton candy. It is also nasty.

Pie. I don’t like ANY KIND OF PIE. People always say “but what about APPLE?” or “but what about KEY LIME?” No. None pie.

Hot wings. I cannot even begin to describe the backlash I’ve gotten from my dislike for hot wings. People apparently view disliking hot wings as one step above murder.

Tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers, and peppers. For some reason, I am not a proper adult because I do not like these foods, but I have never liked these foods and I do not understand why I am the weirdo for not enjoying squishy, slimy vegetables in my mouth.

Beer. I cannot and do not drink alcohol anymore, but when I did, I never cared for beer. I don’t think that beer is a very girly drink so I don’t know why people were so surprised that I preferred drinks made out of fruit.

Foods that taste like other foods. Take your birthday cake-flavored ice cream and your chicken and waffles-flavored chips elsewhere. I don't trust foods that try to be other foods.

In high school, I had a pepperoni Hot Pocket nearly every day for lunch, so I've never been very adventurous with my culinary choices. I could probably eat a PB&J or mac and cheese for every meal and be a-okay with it. But other people are definitely not okay with it, given the "adult" foods that people tell me I should like! 

Anxiety

I’m having so much anxiety about my appointment with the surgeon in two days. I’m so afraid he’s going to tell me he’s not doing surgery and I’ll just have to live like this. No one can tell me for sure what’s wrong, but this is the best guess and I’m afraid it won’t be enough to go off of. I feel like I’m losing myself. I can’t focus or concentrate and I’ve missed out on basically the last year of my life. You know when dogs get really old and cranky and they snap at everyone and their owner is like “just ignore them, they’re old and sore”? I feel like that dog. I snap at everyone, I have no patience for anything, and my main goal is just to make it through the day so I can go home. It constantly feels like I’m on the verge of a panic attack just from thinking about how miserable I am. I really do try to not bring it up around people unless it’s necessary and I really try to not have a pity party for myself, but it’s consuming my whole life. I’m afraid to go anywhere or do anything or eat anything because I know I’ll end up regretting it. I feel like I’ve lost every part of myself that was ever pleasant or good and now I’m just trying to make it.

Losing It

I think some people are under the impression that I just want attention. Or that I'm exaggerating my symptoms in order to get pity. Or something. The last time I went to the ER, I think the doctor looked at me and saw an addict looking for pain pills.... Even though I'm not on any sort of pain medication whatsoever and have never asked to be. Why would I want attention like this, though? What is fun about people staring at you as you come out of the bathroom from loudly throwing up? It's not like I go anywhere ever other than work. I don't go to parties and talk about how sick I always feel. I'm not hanging out with people at a bar and trying to tell everyone that I feel horrible all day every day but by golly, I'm going to push through and be an INSPIRATION. No. Do you know what I want? I want to feel like MYSELF again. I feel like a miserable, cranky, horrible shadow of the person I used to be. My patience is wire-thin now and I know I'm not exactly fun to be around. I never go anywhere or do anything that could be considered "fun". I don't even know how to explain it to someone who's never gone through anything like this. I feel trapped in my own body. It feels like no matter what I do, my body is going to turn against me and punish me for daring to eat something or go somewhere.

And I feel so guilty for complaining. I know there are people much worse off than I am. But then, I'm tired of doctors ignoring me. And I'm tired of not being taken seriously. The last ER doctor I saw took one look at me, told me I have a disease they ruled out months ago, and showed me the door. My specialist apparently can't be bothered to listen to me because I'm young and seemingly healthy. How bad do I have to get to be taken seriously in the medical field? Again, WHY would I make this up? I really have better things to do than go from doctor to doctor, paying medical bills out the you-know-what for absolutely no reason. And you know why I really wouldn't make this up? One word: colonoscopy. Yep, that's not something worth going through just to get attention.

I don't know anymore. This is taking its mental toll on me. My memory sucks and I can't think straight half the time. I'm starting to feel like I'm crazy. It feels like the worse I get, the more I push and the further I get from reality. I did a test last week for my gallbladder and I got so sick when they simulated what happens in my gallbladder when I eat. As horrible as I felt, I was also excited that this just HAS to be it! Why would I have a bad reaction if I'm working properly? When the doctor called and said everything was normal and I could come back in three weeks to try to figure out something else, I lost it. I got so angry and so defeated and so depressed all at the same time. How am I normal? Nothing about this is normal! Thankfully, I'm now seeing a doctor who is willing to advocate for me. I go see a surgeon in a week to see if he will take my gallbladder out. I'm having so much anxiety about this appointment because I feel like this is all I have left. If this surgeon says I'm perfectly fine yet again, I honestly think it may break me. I've been told for a year that I'm "fine" when I'm clearly not. I can't mentally or emotionally continue like this. Every single day is so, so hard. I am praying with everything I have that my gallbladder is the problem and this surgeon will remove it. I'm tired of living in fear of everything - of food, of being away from home, of missing out on yet another family event because I'm having an "episode" and I can't leave the bed. I'm desperate. And I'm miserable. And I'm terrified that I won't have relief and I will spend the rest of my life this way.

Missing Out

The worst part about this undiagnosed illness is missing out on life. I know there are others with worse ailments than me, people who are homebound or stuck in the hospital. But when I still have to work and do schoolwork, it’s frustrating to have all of my energy sapped with what I need to do so that I don’t have time for what I want to do. I spent all of our anniversary trip either laying down or wishing I was laying down. I spent two of husband’s band concerts waiting for it to end so I could go home and lay down, or mentally planning how long it would take to run to the bathroom and what the quickest route would be. I went to a wedding and spent the entire ceremony praying I wouldn’t need to run out during a quiet moment. I’ve missed family get-togethers and hanging out with friends because I’m sick or I just don’t feel up to it. I didn’t even get to go to the baseball game and fireworks with my family on the 4^th of July, but I laid in bed and watched Youtube on my phone instead.

I just feel like I’m missing out on life. The people my age that I work with talk about how they can’t wait to get off work so they can meet up with their friends, and I can’t wait to get off work so I can go home and lay down. I feel like I’m “laying down” my whole life away. I never used to be this person – I always crammed my schedule full of activities, events, and lunches with friends, and now I can’t even drag myself to Target anymore. I’m not writing this post to complain, but rather, just to vent. I feel like I’m 87, not 27, and I feel like I’m missing out on who I used to be. I miss who I used to be. We don’t go to movie theaters, restaurants, or parties because of me. It’s not just my life that’s on hold, it’s my husband’s, too. We left his work party early because of me and we didn’t do as much on our anniversary trip as we did on our honeymoon because of me. I can handle my life being like this but I feel guilty when it affects someone else too.

Recent Faves

1. Modern Family

Okay, I used to despise this show. I thought it was cliche, over the top, and just not funny at all. Then, out of nowhere, a switch flipped and now I am obsessed with this show. Husband has been watching it from season one with me, and he's not into binge-watching shows like I am, which is the only reason I haven't watched all the seasons in a month.

2. Fudge Brownie Goldfish

A coworker tipped me off to these and I'm obsessed. They're so deliciously chocolatey but with just a bit of salt added to balance the flavor. I just wish the little bag wasn't so expensive!

3. Down the Mountain

This app was in the top charts in the app store, so I downloaded it, and 1016 games later, I can't stop playing. 

4. Dollar Tree Hauls

I stumbled across these sorts of videos after I started making my thrift haul videos, and now I make these too! I was never a big fan of Dollar Tree {okay, I thought it was all cheap crap!} but I have Seen The Light!

5. 1010

Husband calls this the cheating version of Tetris. I call it fun.